During each of my miscarriages I wrote my thoughts in my journal. After my 3rd miscarriage I put some of my thoughts together!
When I got married I had everything all planned out. I was going to wait 1 year before trying to get pregnant. Then after a few months of trying I would be pregnant and 9 months away from being a mommy. I knew it typically took a few months until most women got pregnant, but I didn't know how much the odds were against me. No one ever tells you when you get married that there are only 2 days to get pregnant each month.
Without knowing this information I was still able to get pregnant within 2 months of trying. What came next was something I never expected nor knew anything about.
It was the Sunday after my one-year anniversary, the day we were planning on telling our families we were going to have a baby. I woke up feeling a little different than the night before. I soon realized that feeling was not good and after talking with my doctor rushed to the ER. The doctor quickly checked me out and without any explanation told me I had lost my baby.
I left for home in tears and very much in shock. So many questions ran through my head, but the biggest one was, "what did I do wrong?" I kept thinking of all the things I could of have done wrong. Did I work to hard, was it the medicine I took, or was it going in the hot tub that caused me to lose my precious baby? All of these questions consumed my thoughts for hours. After a long day of my questions being un-answered and feeling so sick I returned to the ER.
Luckily there was a new doctor who was much more understanding than my first doctor. He told me there was nothing that I did that caused the miscarriage and there was nothing that could have been done to save my baby. He explained how common it was to miscarry, especially on your first pregnancy. He then went on to tell me all the physical discomfort I would feel the next week.
The bloating, gas, throwing up, and cramping were nothing compared to the emotional triumph I would go through. It may sound silly to many that only being pregnant for 2 months could cause someone so much pain, but to me I had lost someone. I was so excited to be a mommy and that was soon all taken away from me. I went through the same process I went through when I lost my little brother Danny. At first I was in shock. Then I became angry. The many questions of, “why us” went through my mind. There are so many women out there who don’t want their baby that are getting pregnant, why couldn’t they have the miscarriage and I keep my baby. My husband Tyler was having a hard time with the news to. I think he might have been even more excited about us having a baby then I was, as hard as that is to believe. He really struggled for a few days. He held me and cried, but he didn’t say much.
Then I went through the jealously stage. I was so jealous of all my friends around me that were able to get pregnant. After jealously I hit the pity stage. My life sucked and there was nothing anyone could say that would make me feel better. I knew that there were a lot worse situations that I could have gone through and that so many other women had things harder than me to deal with, but at the time it didn’t matter. What I was going through seemed too hard. Finally after about a month I hit the humbling stage.
At the request of my husband our bishop came over to talk with us and give us both blessings. He explained that Heavenly Father would still send us the spirit that was going to fill that body, but that he was waiting for a more healthy body so that the baby would have a fighting chance to survive. After he gave each of us a blessing we felt so comforted. We felt hope that we would one day become parents.
Now nine months after trying to conceive a baby, I am still not pregnant. Every month I swear I am pregnant, just to find out that I am not. I have had three miscarriages, each bringing up a different challenge. I want to be a mommy so bad. I don’t want to work any more. I want to do something more meaningful. I want to feel the love of raising a precious innocent baby. I want to be a stay at home mom. Have dinner ready for daddy when he comes home.
Each time I had a miscarriage I went through the stages of grief, but each time I ended up stronger. I know that all the wants I have are not as important as the will of the Father. As hard as this trial is I know when we are ready we will become parents. I know everything will work out. Even though things haven’t turned out as planned I have learned that My Heavenly Father truly knows who I am and loves me enough to allow me to feel of His spirit and listen to His counsels. How thankful I am for worthy priesthood holders that can give me blessings. How thankful I am for a husband who loves me and will stick with me through ever trial. How thankful I am for Christ and his willingness to suffer for me so that I don’t have to. How thankful I am of his love. I have a firm testimony that I just need to let him help and everything will work out as planned. This has definitely been the hardest thing I have had to deal with in my life, but with God all things are possible!
No comments:
Post a Comment